All of my memories
by TolkienkookAD
Summary: An angst songfic/drabble to the song 'Memories', by Within Temptation. Angel/collins.


**In this world you tried  
Not leaving me alone behind  
There's no other way  
I'll pray to the gods let him stay  
The memories ease the pain inside,  
Now I know why**

_It was the most unfair thing that had happened to Tomas Collins, nearing thirty that he was. For almost a year, he had an angel in his arms. The best, and at the same time, the most awful thing to ever happen to him. He believed that the disease was nothing. The virus was a sham, it could be beaten. By love, happiness, will. If Angel couldn't beat it, no one could. Not Tom Collins. _

_People believed he was strong, Roger, Mark, Maureen, even Benny. Back when they were all roommates. All friends. When he'd come home from work, they'd clap him on the back and say it was good to have him back. Good to know Tom Collins was here to watch their backs, and love them unconditionally. _

_They were wrong. Angel was the strong one. _****

All of my memories keep you near.  
In silent moments,  
Imagine you'd be here.  
All of my memories keep you near,  
Your silent whispers, silent tears

_Collins stepped into his apartment, for the first time in a week. After the funeral, he had taken to sleeping in his old place, Mark and Roger's loft. It was too much to be confronted by the memories waiting for him. Better to pretend it never happened. If the life they had didn't happen, then neither did the death. Better to pretend they were never together then to face the fact that they would never be together again._

_Scents, sights, sounds assaulted his senses. He was blind from memories. The times when he had stepped in here to find Angel sitting up for him reading old newspapers or designing clothes. Or when he'd find her in the kitchen, rocking out to Cascada, and cooking Kraft Mac & Cheese. How about the time when he held Angel the first time he saw her cried, when he learned her true name…_****

Made me promise I'd try  
To find my way back in this life.  
I hope there is a way  
To give me a sign you're okay.  
Reminds me again it's worth it all  
So I can go home.

"…_It's Daniel. Daniel Schunard. I made up the Dumott part." Angel smiled up at Collins. "Don't tell anyone, though! I don't think even Mimi knows." Tom giggled, feeling the warmth of happiness spread through his body like a fire. Angel and him had been snuggling on the sofa, enjoying the feeling of their meeting lips, and the company of each other. Collins tried to surprise him again with the question of "Really, what name were you born with?" He'd been trying for weeks to get it out of his lover, who remained resilient to his attempts. Angel had pulled his lips away from Collins' long enough to utter that simple statement, and before his lover could react, he kissed him again, refusing to let Tom do more than giggle at his triumph. _

_Collins dropped to the floor, hands pressing the tears that threatened to leak out back into his eyes. They fell anyway._

**  
All of my memories keep you near.  
In silent moments,  
Imagine you'd be here.  
All of my memories keep you near,  
Your silent whispers, silent tears.**

_He knelt on the floor, weeping. The pain oozed from inside him, spilling out in hot tears. Angel—His Angel—was there, in his mind, taunting him with a smile that said everything was alright. The memories flashed together in a tormenting train, Angel laughing, Angel drumming, Angel smiling, Angel dancing, strong Angel, brave Angel, who never once let the disease take control. His Angel. _

"_You bastard, you said forever—always and forever, remember? I held your hand and you told me not to worry, we'd never be apart. Remember Angel? How could you do this? How—God, why would you do this?" Collins sobbed uncontrollably. The words took a life of their own, spilling out of him. "You said when I needed you, you'd be here. Remember? Remember that? When Mimi had an attack last spring, When Roger was so broken, so lost with worry, you told me you'd always come when I needed you. But Mimi got better. Mimi got better, and you didn't. She said something inside her told her she needed to come back. Why wasn't anyone there to bring you back to me? I need you NOW, Angel, Angel, Angel…" _

_He repeated the name of his only, his beloved, over and over and over. _****

Together in all these memories  
I see your smile.  
All the memories I hold dear.  
Darling, you know I'll love you  
till the end of time.

_Sometimes they'd go out with the group, and she'd smile, across from a crowd, and he'd know it was only for him. The smile was etched into his brain, coming forth from all the memories he was trying to push back. The memories of his _first _love. He'd been with other men, felt other hands on his skin. None were like Angel. The way her hand felt against his cheek, and her lips on his. The way her breath hitched when they'd fool around, not caring that the walls were thin. The way she said 'Iloveyou', all fast, like she was afraid to admit it. Collins would say it back slowly, waiting for her to slow it down, take pleasure in being loved unconditionally. _

_Before she died, she took his face in her hands. "I love you." She said. Slowly. Lovingly. Two hours later, she was gone. _****

All of my memories keep you near.  
In silent moments,  
Imagine you'd be here.  
All of my memories keep you near,  
Your silent whispers, silent tears.

_He stood up, stumbling into the bedroom and collapsing on the futon they kept in there. Her scent was still there, that damn perfume she cherished, the shit she saved up for weeks to buy. He loved that damn smell, it made him go wild every time. It hurt that it was still there, still cutting him apart. Collins vowed to spritz that stupid perfume bottle all over the apartment every day if that was what it took to keep Angel's spirit alive._

_But perfume didn't make her who she was. Her smile, he saw it everywhere. It was infectious, glittering, perfect. Her laugh, dissapparating any tension that was present. Her spirit. He love, and heart, and vulnerability. That was who she was. _

_And that spirit would always be alive._****

All of my memories...

_It just wouldn't be the same._

A/N: Kay, y'all. This is the first RENT fic I ever did.

It shows, I'm sure.

Anyway, I want to post this because there are a few moments in it that I like, but all in all, it kind of bugs me. It's really easy to write angst like this, and I feel like I didn't try and stretch my limits at all.

But anyway, I hope you enjoy. I wrote this quite a long time ago.

TKAD


End file.
